It's good to have an epiphany after not blogging for so long, and for that, I owe it all to my lecturer.
She started class by asking us these questions; "Who are you? What is your identity? Do you know who you really are?"
That made me think. A lot. They indeed are valid questions that all of us should ask ourselves each day.
As for me, to some I'm the gentle bear. To some others I'm the crazy guy whose always cracking jokes, or the serious one, or the lazy one, or the kind one, or the player. So many people see me in different ways.
So, who does that make me? Am I the kind one? Am I the crazy one? Or am I just a nobody that people forget after losing contact with me for a while. I'd like to think that I'm not all that forgettable. I'm outspoken, this much I know. But I also know that I like to have my quiet time even though there are people around, I just feel like keeping quiet and not do or say anything. This often makes people think that something is bothering me and many wouldn't believe it when I tell them that I just feel like being quiet. I strongly feel that this is due to the reason that I'm noisy a lot of the time. The loud one in the group.
This made me recall one incident that happened to me while I was riding the komuter back to Bangi.
As usual I stood by the door for this makes it easier for when I want to disembark. I was looking out of the window of the door. Beside me stood a lady and her children. One of her daughters was standing in front of me. As I was listening to the songs playing on my MP3, I suddenly felt something drip onto my shoe. At first I thought it was just water or something that the child was eating. When I looked at her, I realized that she just threw up with her hand covering her mouth and some of the vomit dripped onto my shoe. She then bent down and continued hurling for a couple more times. All this happened right where I was standing.
What made me think about this incident is because of what I did next.
Nothing...
Wanting to act cool all the way. I ignored what happened and turned back to looking out of the window. I didn't really care about my shoe as I was intending to throw it out anyway. As the mother fussed about her daughter, I realized that I wasn't the only one doing nothing. Everyone else who saw what happened carried on what they were doing. Watching.
At the next stop, they got off. Good for the child. The mother apologized to me as she was getting off and I smiled back saying that it's ok.
When I got back home (after washing up at the toilet where I got off), I sat on my bed and thought; "What the hell is wrong with me?"
Instead of acting cool all the way, I should have helped the child. Maybe asked one of the passengers to stand so that she could sit and consoled her that it's all right. Instead, I ignored everything that was going on all for the sake of trying to look cool.
I regretted my actions for that day. I could have done something different and made a difference. Yet, I didn't. I told myself that I would not be like that again should another situation like this arise in the future.
So, for that, I came to a conclusion for the questions my lecturer asked and the answer is...I do not know. All I know is that I'm complicated. The way I think is different at different times. The way I act varies as well. The way I am depends on who I'm with.
So what if I can't define myself? It's not who I am to me that matters but who I am to others around me. All I know is that I am who I am...
She started class by asking us these questions; "Who are you? What is your identity? Do you know who you really are?"
That made me think. A lot. They indeed are valid questions that all of us should ask ourselves each day.
As for me, to some I'm the gentle bear. To some others I'm the crazy guy whose always cracking jokes, or the serious one, or the lazy one, or the kind one, or the player. So many people see me in different ways.
So, who does that make me? Am I the kind one? Am I the crazy one? Or am I just a nobody that people forget after losing contact with me for a while. I'd like to think that I'm not all that forgettable. I'm outspoken, this much I know. But I also know that I like to have my quiet time even though there are people around, I just feel like keeping quiet and not do or say anything. This often makes people think that something is bothering me and many wouldn't believe it when I tell them that I just feel like being quiet. I strongly feel that this is due to the reason that I'm noisy a lot of the time. The loud one in the group.
This made me recall one incident that happened to me while I was riding the komuter back to Bangi.
As usual I stood by the door for this makes it easier for when I want to disembark. I was looking out of the window of the door. Beside me stood a lady and her children. One of her daughters was standing in front of me. As I was listening to the songs playing on my MP3, I suddenly felt something drip onto my shoe. At first I thought it was just water or something that the child was eating. When I looked at her, I realized that she just threw up with her hand covering her mouth and some of the vomit dripped onto my shoe. She then bent down and continued hurling for a couple more times. All this happened right where I was standing.
What made me think about this incident is because of what I did next.
Nothing...
Wanting to act cool all the way. I ignored what happened and turned back to looking out of the window. I didn't really care about my shoe as I was intending to throw it out anyway. As the mother fussed about her daughter, I realized that I wasn't the only one doing nothing. Everyone else who saw what happened carried on what they were doing. Watching.
At the next stop, they got off. Good for the child. The mother apologized to me as she was getting off and I smiled back saying that it's ok.
When I got back home (after washing up at the toilet where I got off), I sat on my bed and thought; "What the hell is wrong with me?"
Instead of acting cool all the way, I should have helped the child. Maybe asked one of the passengers to stand so that she could sit and consoled her that it's all right. Instead, I ignored everything that was going on all for the sake of trying to look cool.
I regretted my actions for that day. I could have done something different and made a difference. Yet, I didn't. I told myself that I would not be like that again should another situation like this arise in the future.
So, for that, I came to a conclusion for the questions my lecturer asked and the answer is...I do not know. All I know is that I'm complicated. The way I think is different at different times. The way I act varies as well. The way I am depends on who I'm with.
So what if I can't define myself? It's not who I am to me that matters but who I am to others around me. All I know is that I am who I am...
Finally !!!! You blogged !!!!! :DDDDDD
ReplyDeleteWell, as expected, something very profound and deep :) Well, you're right. But I also think that our identity is not something that we can define by words, you know what I mean? I think who we are is also how we "feel" about ourselves, how others "feel" when we're with them.
Don't worry about that incident. I think if I were you, I would have done the same. Not because of wanting to look cool though. Cos you know how when you're crying and you can't help it, you wish that nobody would look at you? Something like that. Maybe by not making such a big deal about the little girl vomiting, she did not feel so embarrassed than if attention were brought to what happened. Her mother comforting her would have been enough :)
p.s: Keep blogging :) *hugs*
Lol...thanks for following all this time Liz. And I'll try to keep the posts coming. =)
ReplyDeletewow. finally huh? ahhaha. honestly, did not know you updated till you told me on MSN just now. haha.
ReplyDeletelooking cool ? lol.
so not you! well, not the you that i know anyways. and yeah, you're usually the helpful kind and all.. i guess sometimes we just dunno what we should do at the spur of the moment. i think all of us have been in these kinda situations before, it kinda just happens and sometimes we just feel we should not interfere. and then suddenly we ponder why did not we interfere.. humans. so confusing and complicated.
but at least you took a vow to never let it happen again! :)
Hahaha...I know. That's why I thought that it was stupid of me to do that instead of helping her out.
ReplyDeleteIndeed, humans are confusing and oh so complicated.
A quote for you. "We never know until we take the chance to change, who we are to become."
ReplyDelete+I feel that way too. Who am I? That is for the rest of the world to tell.
+Everyone percepts things differently.
+One single things cud hev many different kinds of intepretation.
+Some comments about ourselves can be disregard, some can be taken into account n try 2 make us a better person.
+N Malaysian. Biasalah. But ur rite. I feel that way some of the times too.
+It's guilty conscience. U juz realize that after u did nth. It happens.
+N yea. I dun c how n y a person wud speak non-stop 365 days a year. Lol.
+There will be a time when we need some quiet time and all.
+That's y I prefer 2 be the listener than the talker. =P
+N 4 which category u fall in 2.
+I'll say a easy going guy la. Haha .^^
Hahaha...thanks for the long and informative comment. =D
ReplyDeleteYou'd rather listen than talk??? But you talk quite a lot as well. Or is that just me?? Lol...
+Bcoz ppl tend 2 thk I'm being stuck up when I don't talk. So I had to talk in order 2 break the ice u c? I juz dun prefer 2 talk some of the times. N it depends on the place and ppl that I talk 2.
ReplyDelete+It's nt possible that u like talkin 2 evryone rite? There's bound 2 be ppl that u dislike talking 2. So yea.
Hahaha...I see. I know the feeling.
ReplyDelete