What If?

Have you ever wondered about the "what ifs" in life?

What if I had done this instead?

What if I had gone there instead?

What if I hadn't shown up?

What if I lied?

Sometimes, we just sit and ponder on the what ifs that are always a part of our lives. It will never disappear. Whenever we make a decision, the "what if" is there. Being human, we are unable to try everything that we want, instead, we have to settle with one decision and live with the what if. Worse part of it all, we will never know what the outcome would have been should we have made a different decision at the time.

What if. I ask myself that a lot and it always ends with the same answer; if only.

Both are related really, what if and if only. How do I know this?

Well, every time I ask myself a what if, I find myself coming up with only one answer, more of a desire really.

If only I was able to go through every single scenario once in my life.

If only, I was a ninja like Naruto and am able to do kagebunshin-no-jutsu.

Alas...I'm not.

Sadly, I'm just going to have to be satisfied with being human and the limitations of being one.

Sigh...if only...

Right or Wrong?

We make decisions everyday.

We come to the fork in the road everyday.

When we choose an option, we generally feel that it's the best or right one to choose.

Yet...

How are we so sure that it's the right one?

How are we so sure that the alternative would've been worse or wrong?

How are we so sure that the alternative wouldn't have been better?

That's because we'll never know.

Every step taken, every decision made, every action committed, we do it on instinct and common sense.

After that...we only hope for the best. Hoping that it will all turn out all right and not worse than the situation already is.

Right or wrong, decisions still have to be made. Running away is not an answer.

Likewise with the repercussions, you have to face it head on. Running away will only make matters worse.

Decisions, everyone hates them yet can't escape them.

The irony of life.

Who Are You?

Another interesting question that my lecturer raised in class today. Though I think I've already blogged about this sometime back. Still, no harm blogging about it again.

Often times people say things like "I am who I am". That's great and indeed it is. BUT!

What is/was it that made you YOU?

Was it family influences? Friends? Girlfriend? Religion? Experiences?

My answer to this in class was - life.

Why?

Well, everything is encompassed under life. In life you have your family, friends, religion, experiences, etc. So, why does it only have to be ONE specific influence? How about strangers you meet in shopping malls? How about the person who smiles at you when you are feeling down but you don't even know who that is?

I'm a rebel at home. Quite a harsh word to use, I know but I admit to that. Why? Because I think I have an innate sense of very strong integrity in me.

Ever since I was very young, if I knew or felt that what I was doing wasn't wrong, then no matter how my parents or teachers for that matter reprimand me, I wouldn't listen. In fact, I didn't even care. I knew I wasn't at fault so I didn't deserve the lecture I got.

Even to this day, I stand strong when I feel that I did nothing wrong. If it was in my fault, then I will gladly admit it but not when I didn't do anything wrong.

So the question is this - What made you, you?

Road To Discovery

It's good to have an epiphany after not blogging for so long, and for that, I owe it all to my lecturer.

She started class by asking us these questions; "Who are you? What is your identity? Do you know who you really are?"

That made me think. A lot. They indeed are valid questions that all of us should ask ourselves each day.

As for me, to some I'm the gentle bear. To some others I'm the crazy guy whose always cracking jokes, or the serious one, or the lazy one, or the kind one, or the player. So many people see me in different ways.

So, who does that make me? Am I the kind one? Am I the crazy one? Or am I just a nobody that people forget after losing contact with me for a while. I'd like to think that I'm not all that forgettable. I'm outspoken, this much I know. But I also know that I like to have my quiet time even though there are people around, I just feel like keeping quiet and not do or say anything. This often makes people think that something is bothering me and many wouldn't believe it when I tell them that I just feel like being quiet. I strongly feel that this is due to the reason that I'm noisy a lot of the time. The loud one in the group.

This made me recall one incident that happened to me while I was riding the komuter back to Bangi.

As usual I stood by the door for this makes it easier for when I want to disembark. I was looking out of the window of the door. Beside me stood a lady and her children. One of her daughters was standing in front of me. As I was listening to the songs playing on my MP3, I suddenly felt something drip onto my shoe. At first I thought it was just water or something that the child was eating. When I looked at her, I realized that she just threw up with her hand covering her mouth and some of the vomit dripped onto my shoe. She then bent down and continued hurling for a couple more times. All this happened right where I was standing.

What made me think about this incident is because of what I did next.

Nothing...

Wanting to act cool all the way. I ignored what happened and turned back to looking out of the window. I didn't really care about my shoe as I was intending to throw it out anyway. As the mother fussed about her daughter, I realized that I wasn't the only one doing nothing. Everyone else who saw what happened carried on what they were doing. Watching.
At the next stop, they got off. Good for the child. The mother apologized to me as she was getting off and I smiled back saying that it's ok.

When I got back home (after washing up at the toilet where I got off), I sat on my bed and thought; "What the hell is wrong with me?"
Instead of acting cool all the way, I should have helped the child. Maybe asked one of the passengers to stand so that she could sit and consoled her that it's all right. Instead, I ignored everything that was going on all for the sake of trying to look cool.

I regretted my actions for that day. I could have done something different and made a difference. Yet, I didn't. I told myself that I would not be like that again should another situation like this arise in the future.



So, for that, I came to a conclusion for the questions my lecturer asked and the answer is...I do not know. All I know is that I'm complicated. The way I think is different at different times. The way I act varies as well. The way I am depends on who I'm with.

So what if I can't define myself? It's not who I am to me that matters but who I am to others around me. All I know is that I am who I am...

Past & Passed

Have you ever felt that you missed out on a lot of happenings in life?

All of it just because you weren't there.

Maybe you have lost contact with some people for sometime. Haven't had the opportunity to catch up on things.

Missing out on all the fun. The craziness. The laughter. The connections. The joy. The feeling of it all....












And yet while you are missing out on all that fun, you are having fun else where.

Creating memories that are equally priceless.

Catching up with other people.

Spending quality time with the ones that you care.








As a door closes, another opens.

Even in joy there is sadness and even in sadness there is joy.

Live in the moments that brings joy. Live without regrets.

Enjoy every breath, especially the moments when you can't breathe. (Get what I mean?)